90 Clues That You Are Watching Tunisian Football

I know, the blog has been dead. Nothing to say but sorry, sorry and sorry again. I’ve already partially explained in the comments of the previous post why this happened so I won’t bore you again. In any case, national team news has been pretty slow these days so we haven’t missed all too much (depends on how you look at it I guess but nothing too major).

I’m on vacation (in Paris right now, Tunis next) so its going to remain a little slow until I’m back stateside in early January. Nevertheless, I came across something too funny not to share. It’s a little dated but still a very fun read for those familiar with our league and national team. A person with the username “Khaled” posted this list on the popular Esperance forum “Cafe Bab Souika” and I’ve taken the liberty of translating it into English. All credit to the author who really dug deep for some of these:

1. When the leagues top scorer has 10 goals, 8 of which were scored on penalties.

2. When you think it’s normal that a team changed coaches 3 times in one season.

3. When you notice that the cameras show more ladies in the stands than action on the pitch.

4. When you know who is going to finish second in the league before the season even starts.

5. When you see players collapse as soon as they cross the 18 meter line into the box.

6. When you’ve already seen Dhaouadi dribble the goalie and put the ball wide at least three times.

7. When you watch sports shows just for giggles, especially when Mongi Bhar and Ahmed Karoui are speaking.

8. When you notice that Ben Chikha is in warm ups for all league 1 matches except for the derby where he puts on a suit and tie.

9. When you’re no longer sure what Mokhtar Tlili’s profession is: Coach? Comedian? Football match salesman (buying and selling).

10. When you’ve already caught a match ball following a shot from Khaled Melliti and you were all the way up in the stands.

11. When Club Africain needs penalty kicks against Makther ou “shkoun ey3alli akthar.”

12. When you’ve had it with Khais Yaakoubi’s Inter hat.

13. When a goalie has a boxers name (Balbouli).

14. When you see Badra running after Chermiti and realize that the former was playing in the league when that the latter was in diapers.

15. When all the jerseys of teams in the league are imitations “made” by NB.

16. When you see a defender raise his hand because he’s certain that offside exists on throw ins.

17. When you think the derby is a title just as important as the Cup and Championship.

18. When you watch Khaled Korbi get his weekly red card.

19. When you know that the last time Esperance won a Continental title, the world trade center was still standing.

20. When you know that the last time Club Africain won a Continental title the Berlin wall was still standing.

21. When you can’t believe that JSK and CAB each have a championship to their name.

22. When you know that the ultimate objective of each player is to open their own cafe.

23. When you look at the FIFA rankings and you see that Tunisia is ranked after Israel, USA, Switzerland, Lithuania, Ireland, Honduras, and soon Macedonia (it’s not a joke I swear).

24. When you see more players on the ground than ones standing on the pitch.

25. When you’ve already asked yourself if Bidhoudhane is a joke.

26. When a player is fouled 30 metres out, he flies all the way into the box, beating the the world record for long jump.

27. When you watch European Football and wonder if its even the same sport.

28. When you know that Raja is going to read an email from Cedric el Meddeb every Sunday.

29. When you know that Esperance lineup is Eneramo + 10 players chosen at random.

30. When you hear a coach say: “Jouer bien, pas marquer boutch, pas gagner.”

31. When everytime a player scores a double its announced that Manchester is interested in him.

32. When you see shots go out for throw ins.

33. When at each match you hear everyone insulting Etoile fans and Etoile fans insulting everyone.

34. When you hear a journalist ask a coach this question: “So a point gained or two points lost?” with a smile that says “Tough question eh?”

35. When they make you believe that chocolate can give positive doping tests.

36. When you’re happier about rival team losses than your own teams victories.

37. When you still haven’t understood the famous Merdassi move: Attempting a chest pass towards your goalie in a final and offering a goal to your adversary.

38. When you were dying of laughter when you heard Club Africain players talking about winning the Champions League.

39. When you see more cross come shots than actual crosses or shots.

40. When you hear the fans insult the goalkeeper at every goal kick and the other fans responding in kind. And it goes on and on and on!

41. When you see a player miss a goal that even your cat could have put away.

42. During African cups the majority of Tunisians support the other team.

43. When some teams don’t even have stadiums.

44. You died of laughter when you hear the Monastir was aiming for a double.

45. When you’ve already seen Haj Messaoud compare himself to Luca Toni, cry, wear the Club Africain jersey, and receive a check from Esperance but you’ve never seen him control the ball correctly.

46. The teams from the capital only make four trips outside during the entire season.

47. When you know Kasraoui was the happiest player to see Ogunbyi, Gilson Silva, Ben Fraj, and Chikhaoui leave for Europe.

48. You think that we should create a table for players who score own goals.

49. When the Club Africain fans think that having the most supporters in the country is a title in and of itself.

50. You’re convinced goalkeepers go the wrong way on purpose on penalties.

51. When you see Ahmed Hammi fall down and roll over 17 times as soon as anyone touches so much as his pinky finger.

52. When the latest acrobatic goal you can think of happened in the early 90’s.

53. When you see Khaled Souissi try to cross and put the ball out for a throw in and you think to yourself “I can play in this league.”

54. You wonder why Mejdi Ben Mohammed is nicknamed Manga. Why his name is now Mejdi Tennish? And why does he bother warming up if he never plays?

55. You confuse Victor Esegi and Junior Ozagi but you know that both of them suck.

56. When the fans clap every time a player hits the crossbar on his own side of the field.

57. When you think that Hammam Sousse is just there to mess about with the clubs from the capital.

58. You’ve seen innovative technical skills that have yet to be discovered abroad: Ouertani’s shin control, Meriah’s crosses that don’t get off the ground, and Zitouni scoring with his nose.

59. You wonder why the Khaled Hosni doesn’t coach a team if he’s as good as he says.

60. You think that shots from 20 metres are illegal.

61. You wonder why Ben Chouikha has never played for one of the big teams.

62. You wonder why Selliti has played in multiple big teams.

63. You want to know the name of Zouhaier Dhaouadi’s barber so you never ever ever step foot in his shop.

64. When you know at least five players that have saluted the fans more times than they’ve scored goals.

65. You think it’s impossible to have a match without a major refereeing mistake.

66. You don’t understand how a player like Chikhaoui could have ever played in a championship like ours.

67. You’ve seen a team that needed a win to avoid relegation play for a draw.

68. You’ve seen Aymen Rhifi try to run and then fall under the weigh of his own ass.

69. When you still think that Tunisia can win an African Cup.

70. When you hear Abdelkarim Naftinio saying that he played with a 104 degree fever.

71. A match lasts 90 minutes but there’s only 20 minutes of play.

72. When a team wins more Continental titles than National titles.

73. When a coach asks the the ballboys to hide the match balls.

74. Haythem Mrabet is a professional footballer.

75. When players like Souissi, Selliti, Derbali, and Ben Thabet…. play in the national team.

76. When the national team is run by the speculators on the TV show “Belmakshouf.”

77. At halftime 15 security officers run onto the field to protect the referee.

78. Water in stadium is served in plastic bags.

79. You heard the Dhaouadi to Atletic Madrid rumor.

80. There’s more CSS players in prison than there are on the field.

81. The Champion of Africa gets eliminated by Dynamos from Zimbabwe, the champion of Tunisia gets humbled 5-1, and Esperance flirts with humiliation versus a Barnouss.

82. When Samir Sallemi talks about cards when he has Hichem Ben Khaled as an attacker.

83. When a Sfaxien team official gets stopped in Congo for handing off a briefcase filled with money to a referee.

84. Chermiti finds no better way to get rid of Bachtobji’s marking than biting him in the chest.

85. You don’t know the champions until three weeks after the end of the championship.

86. You hear talk of Godwin at Etoile and Akrout at CA at every mercato for two years running.

87. When a match between the CAB and CA ends in a civil war.

88. The TV shows birds and clouds whenever there is a fight on the field.

89. When the best attacker on the national team is a Brazilian that plays in France.

90. Oussema Sallemi has no alcohol left to drink.

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did and that you’re all bundled up if you’re in regions of the world as cold or colder than it is here. Stay warm during the winter break! To those who don’t know anything about football in our country this surely wasn’t as funny but don’t let it fool you, we still have arguably the best league in Africa these days and plenty of talented players in it.